Novena Prayers

I prepared a beautiful Novena for my mother’s wake but the priest insisted we say it after the mass and not within it. Our other priest said it’s fine to say it during the prayer of the faithful during the mass. Who is right?


Strictly speaking, the first priest was right. Why? The power of one mass is so great, is so perfect, it supercedes the words, no matter how lovely, that are in the novena prayers.

For my own brother's wake, someone kept insisting there should have been novena prayers but since we had masses in abundance, there was really no need. In fact we had the total of 10 masses. We had 9 Wake Masses and one Funeral mass. Surely, that was better than any novena prayers we could have added.

Novena prayers for the dead actually evolved because it was not always possible to offer mass for the dead. Priests were not always available. Communion was not as commonly received as it is now. With the absence of the priest, a rather lengthy set of prayers was written so one could pray for another’s soul as well as keep the congregation busy with more pious activities than merely hanging around and chatting.

Inserting novena prayers into a mass can be likened to having the most elegant dinner complete with appetizers, salads, sherbets in between, main course, second course, third course, wines, etc, and an assortment of desserts, only to insert rather ordinary peanuts in between. You may do so if you like. But must you?

And some of these novenas! Wow, some are truly medieval. What comes to mind is the one that one must reply with, “when You come to judge the world by fire.” Truly consoling. If you’re dead already.

Novenas aren’t meant to be formulaic but rather an opportunity for one’s loved ones to congregate and pray for your soul. And says the Lord, as it is written in the book of Matthew, “whenever two or more are gathered in My Name, I am there in their midst.

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Violent Deaths

My brother was murdered and I spared all my family members the pain of seeing him before he was embalmed. Was I right?

In the past, it was more commonplace to spare the family from the gory details of one’s violent or tragic death. More often than not, it was more acceptable for the relatives of victims of murder, accidents, or an individuals who have taken his or her own life, to not be shown details of the gruesome scene. It was considered to be more harmful to them.

But recent findings have shown otherwise. They conducted several studies where the victims were later shown photos of their loved one right after the moment of death and before clean-up began. Their reactions were all surprisingly the same: “Is that all?”

And here’s why. Our imaginations are usually more vivid than the truth. Seeing all the gory details triggers something in us that starts to accept that that the loved one has died for certain. But not seeing the gruesome scene at all makes us conjure up all sorts of vivid things in our mind, many of which may be gross exaggerations of what actually is the truth.

Let me illustrate, when Senator Ninoy Aquino was murdered in 1983, his remains lay in state complete with powder burns, gunshot wound on the chin, and bloodied jacket. Can anyone dispute that he actually died? Probably not. Reality has set in. Is this the way we’ll always remember him? Probably not. We most likely remember him as he appears on the 500 peso bill. Why? Because our bodies and spirits have begun to heal and has filtered out most of the bad memories.

Now fast forward to 2009. Did any of us see Princess Diana’s body? No. Are we certain she has actually died? On the surface we all do. But deep inside, are we certain? None of us really know for sure do we? Although we mourned like the rest of the world, a part of us, deep within our psyche still thinks she is off somewhere secret with Dodi Al Fayed living privately away from the public eye.

If your relatives are in poor health that showing them the gory details would be more detrimental to them, then I suggest you spare them the gruesome scene. But if in all honestly you really think they would be able to handle it, then do not deprive them of this sad but powerful event in the healing process.

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The Box Stops Here: Casket Attire

What kind of clothes should I include for my grandmother to wear after she is embalmed?

Typically, either the most beautiful dress she owns or one of her favorite dressy outfits. Make sure you include all parts of the outfit like belts, jackets, shawls, scarfs, and appropriate accessories. When I say beautiful, I mean something that is still beautiful even when she’s wearing it. You wouldn’t want her to be wearing something beautiful but doesn’t look good on her anymore.

If she owns two, then bring both and choose later, preferably, something that will match but not clash with her casket. A scarf or veil may be useful just in case you have difficulty in styling her hair appropriately.

I didn’t know they had saved my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary gown. Its inlaid stones and beading had darkened which actually made it look older and more expensive. Dressed in it, she looked like a queen. A visiting aunt lamented, it was a shame to bury it with her.

And please, don’t forget to include undergarments. These are easily forgotten specially for the elderly. You don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised that her transparent garments may be revealing too much. Include a bra, an appropriated camisole, underwear and stockings, specially if you don’t want to expose her feet.

Typically in this country, shoes are hardly worn by the dead because of the superstition that they will suddenly stand up and go for a walk in the middle of the night. It is perfectly fine to include shoes inside the casket and even better not to include them at all.

Jewelry? Keep it simple and fancy, as in, simple costume jewelry and not the real thing. These include earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, brooches, pins and hairclips, but for the love of God and all things decent, please, not all at once! If you must use the real expensive jewelry, make sure you take them out before you bury her. You don’t want to tempt any grave robbers. Specially among your own relatives.

For the gentleman, if he is to wear a suit, make sure you include an undershirt, the dress shirt, the jacket, tie, pants, belt, cufflinks, underwear and socks. For the elderly, you may choose to buy new underwear and socks. If you will use a barong tagalog, make sure you include the undershirt, and should there be intravenous markings on his arms, maybe you should purchase long-sleeved undergarments.

I was told by my staff that they once handled a charity case for a destitute old man. Someone had donated an old wooden casket and the man looked fine and elegant in a donated barong as he lay in it. When they were carrying him to his burial place, the donated casket gave in and the bottom fell off, along with his entire body. And there, for everyone to see, in his finery, he was dressed in his beautiful barong tagalog – and nothing else!

Not the formal sort? That’s alright. Just as long as it looks clean. I’ve had a young man buried in his racing outfit or another in his golfing outfit, cap and all. Just as long as you keep it within the boundaries of good taste. You want the people to smile in agreement, not laugh inappropriately.

 

 

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Cremains at Home

I was at a friend’s house and shock of shocks, I saw that they kept the urn containing the cremated remains of their dad at their altar. We got into a rather lengthy debate with them about this. Who is right?

 

First of all, the technical term for cremated remains these days is “cremains” and interment of ashes is “inurnment.”

That aside, on to your question. I’ve seen many people do this. Strictly speaking, if one is Catholic, the teaching to this day is a proper burial of all the cremains of a person, all together, in an appropriate place of burial, which is a cemetery, a memorial park, an ossuary, crypt, or a church. They should not be scattered, whether on land or at sea. Obviously, one’s altar or mantelpiece is none of the above.

I’ve seen some people keep cremains on their altar but mostly either for only their first year of mourning or until the actual place of burial is completed. I’ve also seen some keep them for years. I have seen ashes lovingly scattered on land and on sea. I have seen nearly every possibility in my vast experience and who am I to judge when I can clearly see that they do so to lovingly honor their dead?

I know of someone who kept the cremains of her child under a large tree in her property for years. What finally convinced her to bury the urn among her relatives at the family plot elsewhere was the very insightful advice of a priest.

He said that the living should be among the living and the dead should be among the dead. Why? Well, if we do not learn to move on, how can we expect our loved one to move on? We do not want to be the cause of our loved one being unable to rest in peace. That promptly encouraged her to move on. And move on, she did.

Although her property had been in the family for years, it was no longer convenient nor practical for her to maintain, specially since the house itself was quite large and the property even more. But once she finally buried the cremains, she was inspired to sell the house and property and build her dream house in a smaller property. She was more than happy with her decision and could not imagine having done so if her child’s cremains had still been on the property.

 

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