Cremains at Home

I was at a friend’s house and shock of shocks, I saw that they kept the urn containing the cremated remains of their dad at their altar. We got into a rather lengthy debate with them about this. Who is right?

 

First of all, the technical term for cremated remains these days is “cremains” and interment of ashes is “inurnment.”

That aside, on to your question. I’ve seen many people do this. Strictly speaking, if one is Catholic, the teaching to this day is a proper burial of all the cremains of a person, all together, in an appropriate place of burial, which is a cemetery, a memorial park, an ossuary, crypt, or a church. They should not be scattered, whether on land or at sea. Obviously, one’s altar or mantelpiece is none of the above.

I’ve seen some people keep cremains on their altar but mostly either for only their first year of mourning or until the actual place of burial is completed. I’ve also seen some keep them for years. I have seen ashes lovingly scattered on land and on sea. I have seen nearly every possibility in my vast experience and who am I to judge when I can clearly see that they do so to lovingly honor their dead?

I know of someone who kept the cremains of her child under a large tree in her property for years. What finally convinced her to bury the urn among her relatives at the family plot elsewhere was the very insightful advice of a priest.

He said that the living should be among the living and the dead should be among the dead. Why? Well, if we do not learn to move on, how can we expect our loved one to move on? We do not want to be the cause of our loved one being unable to rest in peace. That promptly encouraged her to move on. And move on, she did.

Although her property had been in the family for years, it was no longer convenient nor practical for her to maintain, specially since the house itself was quite large and the property even more. But once she finally buried the cremains, she was inspired to sell the house and property and build her dream house in a smaller property. She was more than happy with her decision and could not imagine having done so if her child’s cremains had still been on the property.

 

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Cremation for Catholics

My family is devoutly Catholic and is totally against cremation and says the Church is against this too. Is this true?

Cremation got such a bad rap from Catholics mostly because of two moments in History:

When the early Christians were being persecuted by the Romans, not only were they killed violently but their mangled remains were also burned. This was to mock their belief in the resurrection, as burning one’s remains obliterated one’s flesh thus preventing it from rising again. This of course has been proven to be utter hogwash since we all know the power of the Almighty is way, way beyond the presence or rather lack of presence of human remains. Surely, God can resurrect the truly deserving, with or without an existing body. Don’t believe me? Just think of Joan of Arc, once burned as a heretic and now the Patron Saint of France.

Later in history, during the industrial revolution, the freemasons used cremation against the Christians for similar reasons.

Here is the teaching of the Catholic Church:

While the Church recommends that the pious custom of burying the bodies of the dead be observed, cremation is permitted as long as it had not been chosen for reasons contrary to Church teaching.

Cremated remains are to be treated with the same respect given to the remains of a human body, and should be buried or entombed. The scattering of cremated remains on the sea or on the ground, or keeping them in the home, is not the reverent final disposition that the Church requires.

Saying that cremation is evil is akin to saying that a knife is evil. It all depends on how we use it. Surely, used to kill, mangle, threaten, or destroy makes a knife seem like an evil instrument. But used to prepare food, or to heal as in surgery, the knife is actually an instrument for good. As is cremation.

In the end, it all depends on your own personal beliefs, convictions, and conscience.

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That Burning Sensation - Last Wishes, Immediate Cremation

When I pass away, I want the casket to be closed and then afterwards I also want to be cremated immediately. How can I be sure this is carried out?

 

Honestly? You won’t. It isn’t really up to you.

Now that I’ve scared you and gotten you to hound your loved ones with threats of disowning them or haunting them, here’s something to think about.

One of the first things they taught us pros ( during my Celebrant Training at Worsham College of Mortuary Science in Chicago ) is that the worst thing you can do for your loved ones is to have yourself hidden and cremated immediately. Why? Because your loved ones will have difficulty moving on.

The initial shock of death, even if it is forthcoming and expected, is precisely that: a shock. When your loved ones are in shock, they goes through the whole process of denial, sadness, etc., But not all at once, and in quite a gradual process. Surely, not completely within a few hours of your death.

It takes a while for our bodies and spirits to get used to the fact that one has physically lost a loved one. It has been several months since my brother's sudden death, and I'm still not over it. There are days I wake up and can't believe he's gone.

The reality of seeing a loved one’s remains lying in state actually starts the healing that happens in the grieving process. You get to shed tears that need to be shed. It is easier for reality to sink in. Try weeping over a cold bronze urn. It isn’t easy, although it is quite possible too. A tremendous effort though.

When my grandmother died at the ripe old age of 101, my cousin who took care of her insisted that the casket be closed. Why? Well, she had always taken great care about her appearance in life, but by this time, she was really gaunt and after her stroke and not putting on her dentures, her face was grotesquely lop-sided. She would have been really mad at us if people saw her like this. But I assured my cousin that I was going to have her restored anyway, just in case, someone wanted to take a look inside.

I instructed the embalmer to call me inside once she was completely prepared, clothed in her camisole, but before she was cosmetically made-up. I went inside and supervised, having the sunken areas in her face injected with restoration fluid. Three times, I had a good cry that I had to excuse myself and turn away. Why?

Because every time they injected her face, a decade or two would suddenly slip away and she was slowly turning into a younger version of herself. In the end, she looked like herself again, albeit a thinner version. Later on, we dressed her in a beautiful gown which looked so vintage, she actually looked like a queen.

When my cousins came in to see, they all insisted that the casket be open for viewing. She would have been really mad at us if people didn’t see how beautiful she was at 101. And she was indeed.

 

 

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