The Box Stops Here: Casket Attire

What kind of clothes should I include for my grandmother to wear after she is embalmed?

Typically, either the most beautiful dress she owns or one of her favorite dressy outfits. Make sure you include all parts of the outfit like belts, jackets, shawls, scarfs, and appropriate accessories. When I say beautiful, I mean something that is still beautiful even when she’s wearing it. You wouldn’t want her to be wearing something beautiful but doesn’t look good on her anymore.

If she owns two, then bring both and choose later, preferably, something that will match but not clash with her casket. A scarf or veil may be useful just in case you have difficulty in styling her hair appropriately.

I didn’t know they had saved my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary gown. Its inlaid stones and beading had darkened which actually made it look older and more expensive. Dressed in it, she looked like a queen. A visiting aunt lamented, it was a shame to bury it with her.

And please, don’t forget to include undergarments. These are easily forgotten specially for the elderly. You don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised that her transparent garments may be revealing too much. Include a bra, an appropriated camisole, underwear and stockings, specially if you don’t want to expose her feet.

Typically in this country, shoes are hardly worn by the dead because of the superstition that they will suddenly stand up and go for a walk in the middle of the night. It is perfectly fine to include shoes inside the casket and even better not to include them at all.

Jewelry? Keep it simple and fancy, as in, simple costume jewelry and not the real thing. These include earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, brooches, pins and hairclips, but for the love of God and all things decent, please, not all at once! If you must use the real expensive jewelry, make sure you take them out before you bury her. You don’t want to tempt any grave robbers. Specially among your own relatives.

For the gentleman, if he is to wear a suit, make sure you include an undershirt, the dress shirt, the jacket, tie, pants, belt, cufflinks, underwear and socks. For the elderly, you may choose to buy new underwear and socks. If you will use a barong tagalog, make sure you include the undershirt, and should there be intravenous markings on his arms, maybe you should purchase long-sleeved undergarments.

I was told by my staff that they once handled a charity case for a destitute old man. Someone had donated an old wooden casket and the man looked fine and elegant in a donated barong as he lay in it. When they were carrying him to his burial place, the donated casket gave in and the bottom fell off, along with his entire body. And there, for everyone to see, in his finery, he was dressed in his beautiful barong tagalog – and nothing else!

Not the formal sort? That’s alright. Just as long as it looks clean. I’ve had a young man buried in his racing outfit or another in his golfing outfit, cap and all. Just as long as you keep it within the boundaries of good taste. You want the people to smile in agreement, not laugh inappropriately.

 

 

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That Burning Sensation - Last Wishes, Immediate Cremation

When I pass away, I want the casket to be closed and then afterwards I also want to be cremated immediately. How can I be sure this is carried out?

 

Honestly? You won’t. It isn’t really up to you.

Now that I’ve scared you and gotten you to hound your loved ones with threats of disowning them or haunting them, here’s something to think about.

One of the first things they taught us pros ( during my Celebrant Training at Worsham College of Mortuary Science in Chicago ) is that the worst thing you can do for your loved ones is to have yourself hidden and cremated immediately. Why? Because your loved ones will have difficulty moving on.

The initial shock of death, even if it is forthcoming and expected, is precisely that: a shock. When your loved ones are in shock, they goes through the whole process of denial, sadness, etc., But not all at once, and in quite a gradual process. Surely, not completely within a few hours of your death.

It takes a while for our bodies and spirits to get used to the fact that one has physically lost a loved one. It has been several months since my brother's sudden death, and I'm still not over it. There are days I wake up and can't believe he's gone.

The reality of seeing a loved one’s remains lying in state actually starts the healing that happens in the grieving process. You get to shed tears that need to be shed. It is easier for reality to sink in. Try weeping over a cold bronze urn. It isn’t easy, although it is quite possible too. A tremendous effort though.

When my grandmother died at the ripe old age of 101, my cousin who took care of her insisted that the casket be closed. Why? Well, she had always taken great care about her appearance in life, but by this time, she was really gaunt and after her stroke and not putting on her dentures, her face was grotesquely lop-sided. She would have been really mad at us if people saw her like this. But I assured my cousin that I was going to have her restored anyway, just in case, someone wanted to take a look inside.

I instructed the embalmer to call me inside once she was completely prepared, clothed in her camisole, but before she was cosmetically made-up. I went inside and supervised, having the sunken areas in her face injected with restoration fluid. Three times, I had a good cry that I had to excuse myself and turn away. Why?

Because every time they injected her face, a decade or two would suddenly slip away and she was slowly turning into a younger version of herself. In the end, she looked like herself again, albeit a thinner version. Later on, we dressed her in a beautiful gown which looked so vintage, she actually looked like a queen.

When my cousins came in to see, they all insisted that the casket be open for viewing. She would have been really mad at us if people didn’t see how beautiful she was at 101. And she was indeed.

 

 

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Funeral Parlor Browsing

My grandmother is terminally ill but hasn’t passed away. Is it inappropriate for me to be canvassing for funeral parlors?

Not at all. You are just being practical. What would be inappropriate though is for your grandmother to find out that you are actually doing so. As far as she’s concerned, it’s ok for her to be in a hurry to go just as long as she is doing the actual hurrying. I don’t think she’ll appreciate you hurrying it up for her.

Now as far as being practical is concerned, the cost of living these days is catching up with the cost of dying. What could be more inappropriate than knowing how much you will be spending, is NOT knowing how much you will be spending. And that amount shouldn’t shock you to death.

It really isn’t uncommon for funeral parlors to get calls on a daily basis on near-death cases. We’ve even dealt with chapel reservations only to find out that its guest of honor is not quite deceased yet. In which case, the chapel is usually offered to the next interested party that holds a corresponding death certificate. Now once you’ve canvassed a particular parlor, stop now or move on to the next. Or this could come back haunting you later. Funeral staff are actually trained to look out for details. They will remember you.

On a number of occasions, we have experienced individuals calling for the anticipated death of their parent, asking for packages, chapel rates, down to the nitty gritty details. Many weeks pass and we don’t hear from them. A couple of months later, we get a call from the parent, now miraculously recovered, up and about, calling for reservations. It seems, his son, the original caller, has met an accident and has passed away and will be needing our services himself after all. Such is life. And death.

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