Novena Prayers

I prepared a beautiful Novena for my mother’s wake but the priest insisted we say it after the mass and not within it. Our other priest said it’s fine to say it during the prayer of the faithful during the mass. Who is right?


Strictly speaking, the first priest was right. Why? The power of one mass is so great, is so perfect, it supercedes the words, no matter how lovely, that are in the novena prayers.

For my own brother's wake, someone kept insisting there should have been novena prayers but since we had masses in abundance, there was really no need. In fact we had the total of 10 masses. We had 9 Wake Masses and one Funeral mass. Surely, that was better than any novena prayers we could have added.

Novena prayers for the dead actually evolved because it was not always possible to offer mass for the dead. Priests were not always available. Communion was not as commonly received as it is now. With the absence of the priest, a rather lengthy set of prayers was written so one could pray for another’s soul as well as keep the congregation busy with more pious activities than merely hanging around and chatting.

Inserting novena prayers into a mass can be likened to having the most elegant dinner complete with appetizers, salads, sherbets in between, main course, second course, third course, wines, etc, and an assortment of desserts, only to insert rather ordinary peanuts in between. You may do so if you like. But must you?

And some of these novenas! Wow, some are truly medieval. What comes to mind is the one that one must reply with, “when You come to judge the world by fire.” Truly consoling. If you’re dead already.

Novenas aren’t meant to be formulaic but rather an opportunity for one’s loved ones to congregate and pray for your soul. And says the Lord, as it is written in the book of Matthew, “whenever two or more are gathered in My Name, I am there in their midst.

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The Box Stops Here: Casket Attire

What kind of clothes should I include for my grandmother to wear after she is embalmed?

Typically, either the most beautiful dress she owns or one of her favorite dressy outfits. Make sure you include all parts of the outfit like belts, jackets, shawls, scarfs, and appropriate accessories. When I say beautiful, I mean something that is still beautiful even when she’s wearing it. You wouldn’t want her to be wearing something beautiful but doesn’t look good on her anymore.

If she owns two, then bring both and choose later, preferably, something that will match but not clash with her casket. A scarf or veil may be useful just in case you have difficulty in styling her hair appropriately.

I didn’t know they had saved my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary gown. Its inlaid stones and beading had darkened which actually made it look older and more expensive. Dressed in it, she looked like a queen. A visiting aunt lamented, it was a shame to bury it with her.

And please, don’t forget to include undergarments. These are easily forgotten specially for the elderly. You don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised that her transparent garments may be revealing too much. Include a bra, an appropriated camisole, underwear and stockings, specially if you don’t want to expose her feet.

Typically in this country, shoes are hardly worn by the dead because of the superstition that they will suddenly stand up and go for a walk in the middle of the night. It is perfectly fine to include shoes inside the casket and even better not to include them at all.

Jewelry? Keep it simple and fancy, as in, simple costume jewelry and not the real thing. These include earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, brooches, pins and hairclips, but for the love of God and all things decent, please, not all at once! If you must use the real expensive jewelry, make sure you take them out before you bury her. You don’t want to tempt any grave robbers. Specially among your own relatives.

For the gentleman, if he is to wear a suit, make sure you include an undershirt, the dress shirt, the jacket, tie, pants, belt, cufflinks, underwear and socks. For the elderly, you may choose to buy new underwear and socks. If you will use a barong tagalog, make sure you include the undershirt, and should there be intravenous markings on his arms, maybe you should purchase long-sleeved undergarments.

I was told by my staff that they once handled a charity case for a destitute old man. Someone had donated an old wooden casket and the man looked fine and elegant in a donated barong as he lay in it. When they were carrying him to his burial place, the donated casket gave in and the bottom fell off, along with his entire body. And there, for everyone to see, in his finery, he was dressed in his beautiful barong tagalog – and nothing else!

Not the formal sort? That’s alright. Just as long as it looks clean. I’ve had a young man buried in his racing outfit or another in his golfing outfit, cap and all. Just as long as you keep it within the boundaries of good taste. You want the people to smile in agreement, not laugh inappropriately.

 

 

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The Box Stops Here : A Coffin or A Casket?

During my uncle’s funeral, I kept referring to the box as a coffin but my cousin kept insisting it was a casket. Is there even a difference?

Yes. A coffin is tapered in shape, wider on one end where the torso and head part is laid. Pope John Paul II and Princess Diana were buried in coffins which are more common in Europe. This is what we usually see in the movies used by Count Dracula. It may or may not have handles and usually, the pallbearers carry it on their shoulders.

A casket is more or less rectangular in shape, equal in width on the torso end as it is on the legs end.

And you are very likely right. Here in the Philippines, we mostly use caskets.

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Just Desserts and Other Goodies

I came from a wake and was totally offended that the whole affair was catered, down to the Starbucks barista. Isn’t this in bad taste?

 

What's more offensive is if the food tasted bad. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

But seriously, catered wakes are commonplace these days and here’s why.

More often than not, the days leading to your loved one’s death and after, have caused you sleep deprivation from a few hours to a few days. Preparing good food yourself will be the last thing in your mind once you actually get to the funeral arrangements. That’s why you need to hire the professionals.

After the requisite Zesto-and-Goldilock’s first night when nobody has enough time or energy to put whip up a decent meal, your family and guests will appreciate your efforts in putting together something palatable. Even if you hired the pros.

Wakes these days, rather than the dreadful miserable affairs they used to be, have now become reunions of sorts for families, long lost friends, and even total strangers. And nobody likes bad food in a reunion, do they? Rather than merely mourning one’s death, the event has been elevated to a celebration of one’s life. And what is a celebration without good food?

So must one have food catered for a wake or funeral? Yes, but only when one’s budget allows it, or when someone volunteers to cover the cost as a gift. Is one obliged to feed one’s guests? No. The polite rule is something clean to drink and something to munch on. Candy and peanuts are perfectly fine and sufficient. (You may keep the full meals in the family room, reserved for precisely, family.)

There are also those who are still superstitious and choose not to eat during a wake and postpone the act once they are off the premises, so don’t be offended if your guests choose not to touch anything you serve.

And there are those who will not take a single thing but will readily take a piece of candy offered. They do this to “sweeten” what they consider a “bitter” event.

When the deceased enjoyed food in life, whether serving it, or consuming it, if you feel it is appropriate, then by all means, celebrate their life with the food they loved. I’ve attended hundreds of wakes where one’s favorite dish or recipe is proudly served and it was truly a delight to one’s palate. You can be sure, your loved one will not be easily forgotten because of this.

Just a little note on the common superstition that you mustn’t cook in your house where someone is lying in state. This most probably arose for quite practical reason. Human remains are not the cleanest things to have around the house as not only decomposition has started, there may be residual disease and infection in one’s body. Preparing food in such an environment is not the most hygienic situation.

And Starbucks? I’ve seen these given as gifts. Surely, the family will never forget this very thoughtful, practical, and delicious kindness from you. Sure beats a large flower arrangement that will wilt, or the thoughtful but more common stack of mass cards.

On the the other hand, I came from a wake and overheard one of the guests remark, "No Starbucks? What? No Starbucks?" Now, THAT, was tacky.

 

 

 

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