Violent Deaths

My brother was murdered and I spared all my family members the pain of seeing him before he was embalmed. Was I right?

In the past, it was more commonplace to spare the family from the gory details of one’s violent or tragic death. More often than not, it was more acceptable for the relatives of victims of murder, accidents, or an individuals who have taken his or her own life, to not be shown details of the gruesome scene. It was considered to be more harmful to them.

But recent findings have shown otherwise. They conducted several studies where the victims were later shown photos of their loved one right after the moment of death and before clean-up began. Their reactions were all surprisingly the same: “Is that all?”

And here’s why. Our imaginations are usually more vivid than the truth. Seeing all the gory details triggers something in us that starts to accept that that the loved one has died for certain. But not seeing the gruesome scene at all makes us conjure up all sorts of vivid things in our mind, many of which may be gross exaggerations of what actually is the truth.

Let me illustrate, when Senator Ninoy Aquino was murdered in 1983, his remains lay in state complete with powder burns, gunshot wound on the chin, and bloodied jacket. Can anyone dispute that he actually died? Probably not. Reality has set in. Is this the way we’ll always remember him? Probably not. We most likely remember him as he appears on the 500 peso bill. Why? Because our bodies and spirits have begun to heal and has filtered out most of the bad memories.

Now fast forward to 2009. Did any of us see Princess Diana’s body? No. Are we certain she has actually died? On the surface we all do. But deep inside, are we certain? None of us really know for sure do we? Although we mourned like the rest of the world, a part of us, deep within our psyche still thinks she is off somewhere secret with Dodi Al Fayed living privately away from the public eye.

If your relatives are in poor health that showing them the gory details would be more detrimental to them, then I suggest you spare them the gruesome scene. But if in all honestly you really think they would be able to handle it, then do not deprive them of this sad but powerful event in the healing process.

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Death Certificate

When my father was being embalmed, I insisted on watching the whole process even if I was very uncomfortable with it, just to make sure he doesn’t suddenly wake up in the middle of the whole thing. I love my dad and don’t want him to get hurt. Was I being silly?

Well yes, although silly is a rather harsh word. A death of a close loved one shocks us in a way that sometimes we would do things that we would not normally do.

I assure you your dad was not hurt in the process. No reputable embalmer is going to proceed without a death certificate. A death certificate is a document where a doctor stakes his medical reputation that the person indeed has died. The doctor states the primary and possibly secondary cause of death and affixes his or her signature on the document. Without this document, you could not have had your father embalmed.

It is possible to have someone embalmed without the actual death certificate on hand provided the funeral parlor has assurance from a certifiable doctor or a hospital that the person is indeed deceased.

Before the onset of modern medicine, it was fairly possible to bury someone only for them to wake up inside the grave later because doctors were not effective in certifiably determining one’s vital signs. Now, it is pretty standard and simplified.

So, in those days, a cord was attached to one of the dead person’s wrists. The other end of the cord was attached to a bell above the ground. Someone was assigned to wait above all night, and should the bell ring, they promptly dug up the grave. Thus came about the term, the “graveyard shift.”

The death certificate has several copies and is filed in the city government where the death took place and all the copies go to corresponding departments. The burial place will likewise need a copy. Without a death certificate, one can not get a burial permit or a cremation permit. This is to make sure that there is definite record of one’s death and one has not merely disappeared from the face of the earth. The death certificate is also a requirement for one’s burial so that it is possible to trace the location of one’s remains should your survivors prove to be unavailable.

As all the copies of the death certificate are submitted and filed, you don’t end up with any of the copies. However, you may need a copy or two in order to claim for insurance, office death benefits, banking, and the like. You can actually request beforehand, for the funeral parlor to secure a certified true copy or copies from the city hall.

The more reputable funeral parlors usually include the death certificate service in the package you avail of. Provided you have a doctor to sign the certificate, they will take care of filing the certificate in all the relevant city halls. You can do this yourself, but it is time-consuming, so why not let the experts handle it? In the institution I belonged to, there are two individuals whose only job is to file these certificates. So if the funeral is to be out of town, it is their job to file it in whatever town that is.

The certified true copy of the death certificate is merely a photocopy of the original document, but stamped and signed by the city clerk that it is indeed truly a copy of the original in their records. These copies are available by request for a few hundred pesos each.

 

 

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The Box Stops Here: Casket Attire

What kind of clothes should I include for my grandmother to wear after she is embalmed?

Typically, either the most beautiful dress she owns or one of her favorite dressy outfits. Make sure you include all parts of the outfit like belts, jackets, shawls, scarfs, and appropriate accessories. When I say beautiful, I mean something that is still beautiful even when she’s wearing it. You wouldn’t want her to be wearing something beautiful but doesn’t look good on her anymore.

If she owns two, then bring both and choose later, preferably, something that will match but not clash with her casket. A scarf or veil may be useful just in case you have difficulty in styling her hair appropriately.

I didn’t know they had saved my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary gown. Its inlaid stones and beading had darkened which actually made it look older and more expensive. Dressed in it, she looked like a queen. A visiting aunt lamented, it was a shame to bury it with her.

And please, don’t forget to include undergarments. These are easily forgotten specially for the elderly. You don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised that her transparent garments may be revealing too much. Include a bra, an appropriated camisole, underwear and stockings, specially if you don’t want to expose her feet.

Typically in this country, shoes are hardly worn by the dead because of the superstition that they will suddenly stand up and go for a walk in the middle of the night. It is perfectly fine to include shoes inside the casket and even better not to include them at all.

Jewelry? Keep it simple and fancy, as in, simple costume jewelry and not the real thing. These include earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, brooches, pins and hairclips, but for the love of God and all things decent, please, not all at once! If you must use the real expensive jewelry, make sure you take them out before you bury her. You don’t want to tempt any grave robbers. Specially among your own relatives.

For the gentleman, if he is to wear a suit, make sure you include an undershirt, the dress shirt, the jacket, tie, pants, belt, cufflinks, underwear and socks. For the elderly, you may choose to buy new underwear and socks. If you will use a barong tagalog, make sure you include the undershirt, and should there be intravenous markings on his arms, maybe you should purchase long-sleeved undergarments.

I was told by my staff that they once handled a charity case for a destitute old man. Someone had donated an old wooden casket and the man looked fine and elegant in a donated barong as he lay in it. When they were carrying him to his burial place, the donated casket gave in and the bottom fell off, along with his entire body. And there, for everyone to see, in his finery, he was dressed in his beautiful barong tagalog – and nothing else!

Not the formal sort? That’s alright. Just as long as it looks clean. I’ve had a young man buried in his racing outfit or another in his golfing outfit, cap and all. Just as long as you keep it within the boundaries of good taste. You want the people to smile in agreement, not laugh inappropriately.

 

 

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Funeral Parlor Browsing

My grandmother is terminally ill but hasn’t passed away. Is it inappropriate for me to be canvassing for funeral parlors?

Not at all. You are just being practical. What would be inappropriate though is for your grandmother to find out that you are actually doing so. As far as she’s concerned, it’s ok for her to be in a hurry to go just as long as she is doing the actual hurrying. I don’t think she’ll appreciate you hurrying it up for her.

Now as far as being practical is concerned, the cost of living these days is catching up with the cost of dying. What could be more inappropriate than knowing how much you will be spending, is NOT knowing how much you will be spending. And that amount shouldn’t shock you to death.

It really isn’t uncommon for funeral parlors to get calls on a daily basis on near-death cases. We’ve even dealt with chapel reservations only to find out that its guest of honor is not quite deceased yet. In which case, the chapel is usually offered to the next interested party that holds a corresponding death certificate. Now once you’ve canvassed a particular parlor, stop now or move on to the next. Or this could come back haunting you later. Funeral staff are actually trained to look out for details. They will remember you.

On a number of occasions, we have experienced individuals calling for the anticipated death of their parent, asking for packages, chapel rates, down to the nitty gritty details. Many weeks pass and we don’t hear from them. A couple of months later, we get a call from the parent, now miraculously recovered, up and about, calling for reservations. It seems, his son, the original caller, has met an accident and has passed away and will be needing our services himself after all. Such is life. And death.

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