Novena Prayers

I prepared a beautiful Novena for my mother’s wake but the priest insisted we say it after the mass and not within it. Our other priest said it’s fine to say it during the prayer of the faithful during the mass. Who is right?


Strictly speaking, the first priest was right. Why? The power of one mass is so great, is so perfect, it supercedes the words, no matter how lovely, that are in the novena prayers.

For my own brother's wake, someone kept insisting there should have been novena prayers but since we had masses in abundance, there was really no need. In fact we had the total of 10 masses. We had 9 Wake Masses and one Funeral mass. Surely, that was better than any novena prayers we could have added.

Novena prayers for the dead actually evolved because it was not always possible to offer mass for the dead. Priests were not always available. Communion was not as commonly received as it is now. With the absence of the priest, a rather lengthy set of prayers was written so one could pray for another’s soul as well as keep the congregation busy with more pious activities than merely hanging around and chatting.

Inserting novena prayers into a mass can be likened to having the most elegant dinner complete with appetizers, salads, sherbets in between, main course, second course, third course, wines, etc, and an assortment of desserts, only to insert rather ordinary peanuts in between. You may do so if you like. But must you?

And some of these novenas! Wow, some are truly medieval. What comes to mind is the one that one must reply with, “when You come to judge the world by fire.” Truly consoling. If you’re dead already.

Novenas aren’t meant to be formulaic but rather an opportunity for one’s loved ones to congregate and pray for your soul. And says the Lord, as it is written in the book of Matthew, “whenever two or more are gathered in My Name, I am there in their midst.

Posted with Blogsy

Violent Deaths

My brother was murdered and I spared all my family members the pain of seeing him before he was embalmed. Was I right?

In the past, it was more commonplace to spare the family from the gory details of one’s violent or tragic death. More often than not, it was more acceptable for the relatives of victims of murder, accidents, or an individuals who have taken his or her own life, to not be shown details of the gruesome scene. It was considered to be more harmful to them.

But recent findings have shown otherwise. They conducted several studies where the victims were later shown photos of their loved one right after the moment of death and before clean-up began. Their reactions were all surprisingly the same: “Is that all?”

And here’s why. Our imaginations are usually more vivid than the truth. Seeing all the gory details triggers something in us that starts to accept that that the loved one has died for certain. But not seeing the gruesome scene at all makes us conjure up all sorts of vivid things in our mind, many of which may be gross exaggerations of what actually is the truth.

Let me illustrate, when Senator Ninoy Aquino was murdered in 1983, his remains lay in state complete with powder burns, gunshot wound on the chin, and bloodied jacket. Can anyone dispute that he actually died? Probably not. Reality has set in. Is this the way we’ll always remember him? Probably not. We most likely remember him as he appears on the 500 peso bill. Why? Because our bodies and spirits have begun to heal and has filtered out most of the bad memories.

Now fast forward to 2009. Did any of us see Princess Diana’s body? No. Are we certain she has actually died? On the surface we all do. But deep inside, are we certain? None of us really know for sure do we? Although we mourned like the rest of the world, a part of us, deep within our psyche still thinks she is off somewhere secret with Dodi Al Fayed living privately away from the public eye.

If your relatives are in poor health that showing them the gory details would be more detrimental to them, then I suggest you spare them the gruesome scene. But if in all honestly you really think they would be able to handle it, then do not deprive them of this sad but powerful event in the healing process.

Posted with Blogsy

Death Certificate

When my father was being embalmed, I insisted on watching the whole process even if I was very uncomfortable with it, just to make sure he doesn’t suddenly wake up in the middle of the whole thing. I love my dad and don’t want him to get hurt. Was I being silly?

Well yes, although silly is a rather harsh word. A death of a close loved one shocks us in a way that sometimes we would do things that we would not normally do.

I assure you your dad was not hurt in the process. No reputable embalmer is going to proceed without a death certificate. A death certificate is a document where a doctor stakes his medical reputation that the person indeed has died. The doctor states the primary and possibly secondary cause of death and affixes his or her signature on the document. Without this document, you could not have had your father embalmed.

It is possible to have someone embalmed without the actual death certificate on hand provided the funeral parlor has assurance from a certifiable doctor or a hospital that the person is indeed deceased.

Before the onset of modern medicine, it was fairly possible to bury someone only for them to wake up inside the grave later because doctors were not effective in certifiably determining one’s vital signs. Now, it is pretty standard and simplified.

So, in those days, a cord was attached to one of the dead person’s wrists. The other end of the cord was attached to a bell above the ground. Someone was assigned to wait above all night, and should the bell ring, they promptly dug up the grave. Thus came about the term, the “graveyard shift.”

The death certificate has several copies and is filed in the city government where the death took place and all the copies go to corresponding departments. The burial place will likewise need a copy. Without a death certificate, one can not get a burial permit or a cremation permit. This is to make sure that there is definite record of one’s death and one has not merely disappeared from the face of the earth. The death certificate is also a requirement for one’s burial so that it is possible to trace the location of one’s remains should your survivors prove to be unavailable.

As all the copies of the death certificate are submitted and filed, you don’t end up with any of the copies. However, you may need a copy or two in order to claim for insurance, office death benefits, banking, and the like. You can actually request beforehand, for the funeral parlor to secure a certified true copy or copies from the city hall.

The more reputable funeral parlors usually include the death certificate service in the package you avail of. Provided you have a doctor to sign the certificate, they will take care of filing the certificate in all the relevant city halls. You can do this yourself, but it is time-consuming, so why not let the experts handle it? In the institution I belonged to, there are two individuals whose only job is to file these certificates. So if the funeral is to be out of town, it is their job to file it in whatever town that is.

The certified true copy of the death certificate is merely a photocopy of the original document, but stamped and signed by the city clerk that it is indeed truly a copy of the original in their records. These copies are available by request for a few hundred pesos each.

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

The Box Stops Here: Casket Attire

What kind of clothes should I include for my grandmother to wear after she is embalmed?

Typically, either the most beautiful dress she owns or one of her favorite dressy outfits. Make sure you include all parts of the outfit like belts, jackets, shawls, scarfs, and appropriate accessories. When I say beautiful, I mean something that is still beautiful even when she’s wearing it. You wouldn’t want her to be wearing something beautiful but doesn’t look good on her anymore.

If she owns two, then bring both and choose later, preferably, something that will match but not clash with her casket. A scarf or veil may be useful just in case you have difficulty in styling her hair appropriately.

I didn’t know they had saved my grandmother’s 50th wedding anniversary gown. Its inlaid stones and beading had darkened which actually made it look older and more expensive. Dressed in it, she looked like a queen. A visiting aunt lamented, it was a shame to bury it with her.

And please, don’t forget to include undergarments. These are easily forgotten specially for the elderly. You don’t want to be unpleasantly surprised that her transparent garments may be revealing too much. Include a bra, an appropriated camisole, underwear and stockings, specially if you don’t want to expose her feet.

Typically in this country, shoes are hardly worn by the dead because of the superstition that they will suddenly stand up and go for a walk in the middle of the night. It is perfectly fine to include shoes inside the casket and even better not to include them at all.

Jewelry? Keep it simple and fancy, as in, simple costume jewelry and not the real thing. These include earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, brooches, pins and hairclips, but for the love of God and all things decent, please, not all at once! If you must use the real expensive jewelry, make sure you take them out before you bury her. You don’t want to tempt any grave robbers. Specially among your own relatives.

For the gentleman, if he is to wear a suit, make sure you include an undershirt, the dress shirt, the jacket, tie, pants, belt, cufflinks, underwear and socks. For the elderly, you may choose to buy new underwear and socks. If you will use a barong tagalog, make sure you include the undershirt, and should there be intravenous markings on his arms, maybe you should purchase long-sleeved undergarments.

I was told by my staff that they once handled a charity case for a destitute old man. Someone had donated an old wooden casket and the man looked fine and elegant in a donated barong as he lay in it. When they were carrying him to his burial place, the donated casket gave in and the bottom fell off, along with his entire body. And there, for everyone to see, in his finery, he was dressed in his beautiful barong tagalog – and nothing else!

Not the formal sort? That’s alright. Just as long as it looks clean. I’ve had a young man buried in his racing outfit or another in his golfing outfit, cap and all. Just as long as you keep it within the boundaries of good taste. You want the people to smile in agreement, not laugh inappropriately.

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

The Box Stops Here : A Coffin or A Casket?

During my uncle’s funeral, I kept referring to the box as a coffin but my cousin kept insisting it was a casket. Is there even a difference?

Yes. A coffin is tapered in shape, wider on one end where the torso and head part is laid. Pope John Paul II and Princess Diana were buried in coffins which are more common in Europe. This is what we usually see in the movies used by Count Dracula. It may or may not have handles and usually, the pallbearers carry it on their shoulders.

A casket is more or less rectangular in shape, equal in width on the torso end as it is on the legs end.

And you are very likely right. Here in the Philippines, we mostly use caskets.

Posted with Blogsy

Cremains at Home

I was at a friend’s house and shock of shocks, I saw that they kept the urn containing the cremated remains of their dad at their altar. We got into a rather lengthy debate with them about this. Who is right?

 

First of all, the technical term for cremated remains these days is “cremains” and interment of ashes is “inurnment.”

That aside, on to your question. I’ve seen many people do this. Strictly speaking, if one is Catholic, the teaching to this day is a proper burial of all the cremains of a person, all together, in an appropriate place of burial, which is a cemetery, a memorial park, an ossuary, crypt, or a church. They should not be scattered, whether on land or at sea. Obviously, one’s altar or mantelpiece is none of the above.

I’ve seen some people keep cremains on their altar but mostly either for only their first year of mourning or until the actual place of burial is completed. I’ve also seen some keep them for years. I have seen ashes lovingly scattered on land and on sea. I have seen nearly every possibility in my vast experience and who am I to judge when I can clearly see that they do so to lovingly honor their dead?

I know of someone who kept the cremains of her child under a large tree in her property for years. What finally convinced her to bury the urn among her relatives at the family plot elsewhere was the very insightful advice of a priest.

He said that the living should be among the living and the dead should be among the dead. Why? Well, if we do not learn to move on, how can we expect our loved one to move on? We do not want to be the cause of our loved one being unable to rest in peace. That promptly encouraged her to move on. And move on, she did.

Although her property had been in the family for years, it was no longer convenient nor practical for her to maintain, specially since the house itself was quite large and the property even more. But once she finally buried the cremains, she was inspired to sell the house and property and build her dream house in a smaller property. She was more than happy with her decision and could not imagine having done so if her child’s cremains had still been on the property.

 

Posted with Blogsy

Cremation for Catholics

My family is devoutly Catholic and is totally against cremation and says the Church is against this too. Is this true?

Cremation got such a bad rap from Catholics mostly because of two moments in History:

When the early Christians were being persecuted by the Romans, not only were they killed violently but their mangled remains were also burned. This was to mock their belief in the resurrection, as burning one’s remains obliterated one’s flesh thus preventing it from rising again. This of course has been proven to be utter hogwash since we all know the power of the Almighty is way, way beyond the presence or rather lack of presence of human remains. Surely, God can resurrect the truly deserving, with or without an existing body. Don’t believe me? Just think of Joan of Arc, once burned as a heretic and now the Patron Saint of France.

Later in history, during the industrial revolution, the freemasons used cremation against the Christians for similar reasons.

Here is the teaching of the Catholic Church:

While the Church recommends that the pious custom of burying the bodies of the dead be observed, cremation is permitted as long as it had not been chosen for reasons contrary to Church teaching.

Cremated remains are to be treated with the same respect given to the remains of a human body, and should be buried or entombed. The scattering of cremated remains on the sea or on the ground, or keeping them in the home, is not the reverent final disposition that the Church requires.

Saying that cremation is evil is akin to saying that a knife is evil. It all depends on how we use it. Surely, used to kill, mangle, threaten, or destroy makes a knife seem like an evil instrument. But used to prepare food, or to heal as in surgery, the knife is actually an instrument for good. As is cremation.

In the end, it all depends on your own personal beliefs, convictions, and conscience.

Posted with Blogsy

That Burning Sensation - Last Wishes, Immediate Cremation

When I pass away, I want the casket to be closed and then afterwards I also want to be cremated immediately. How can I be sure this is carried out?

 

Honestly? You won’t. It isn’t really up to you.

Now that I’ve scared you and gotten you to hound your loved ones with threats of disowning them or haunting them, here’s something to think about.

One of the first things they taught us pros ( during my Celebrant Training at Worsham College of Mortuary Science in Chicago ) is that the worst thing you can do for your loved ones is to have yourself hidden and cremated immediately. Why? Because your loved ones will have difficulty moving on.

The initial shock of death, even if it is forthcoming and expected, is precisely that: a shock. When your loved ones are in shock, they goes through the whole process of denial, sadness, etc., But not all at once, and in quite a gradual process. Surely, not completely within a few hours of your death.

It takes a while for our bodies and spirits to get used to the fact that one has physically lost a loved one. It has been several months since my brother's sudden death, and I'm still not over it. There are days I wake up and can't believe he's gone.

The reality of seeing a loved one’s remains lying in state actually starts the healing that happens in the grieving process. You get to shed tears that need to be shed. It is easier for reality to sink in. Try weeping over a cold bronze urn. It isn’t easy, although it is quite possible too. A tremendous effort though.

When my grandmother died at the ripe old age of 101, my cousin who took care of her insisted that the casket be closed. Why? Well, she had always taken great care about her appearance in life, but by this time, she was really gaunt and after her stroke and not putting on her dentures, her face was grotesquely lop-sided. She would have been really mad at us if people saw her like this. But I assured my cousin that I was going to have her restored anyway, just in case, someone wanted to take a look inside.

I instructed the embalmer to call me inside once she was completely prepared, clothed in her camisole, but before she was cosmetically made-up. I went inside and supervised, having the sunken areas in her face injected with restoration fluid. Three times, I had a good cry that I had to excuse myself and turn away. Why?

Because every time they injected her face, a decade or two would suddenly slip away and she was slowly turning into a younger version of herself. In the end, she looked like herself again, albeit a thinner version. Later on, we dressed her in a beautiful gown which looked so vintage, she actually looked like a queen.

When my cousins came in to see, they all insisted that the casket be open for viewing. She would have been really mad at us if people didn’t see how beautiful she was at 101. And she was indeed.

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Just Desserts and Other Goodies

I came from a wake and was totally offended that the whole affair was catered, down to the Starbucks barista. Isn’t this in bad taste?

 

What's more offensive is if the food tasted bad. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

But seriously, catered wakes are commonplace these days and here’s why.

More often than not, the days leading to your loved one’s death and after, have caused you sleep deprivation from a few hours to a few days. Preparing good food yourself will be the last thing in your mind once you actually get to the funeral arrangements. That’s why you need to hire the professionals.

After the requisite Zesto-and-Goldilock’s first night when nobody has enough time or energy to put whip up a decent meal, your family and guests will appreciate your efforts in putting together something palatable. Even if you hired the pros.

Wakes these days, rather than the dreadful miserable affairs they used to be, have now become reunions of sorts for families, long lost friends, and even total strangers. And nobody likes bad food in a reunion, do they? Rather than merely mourning one’s death, the event has been elevated to a celebration of one’s life. And what is a celebration without good food?

So must one have food catered for a wake or funeral? Yes, but only when one’s budget allows it, or when someone volunteers to cover the cost as a gift. Is one obliged to feed one’s guests? No. The polite rule is something clean to drink and something to munch on. Candy and peanuts are perfectly fine and sufficient. (You may keep the full meals in the family room, reserved for precisely, family.)

There are also those who are still superstitious and choose not to eat during a wake and postpone the act once they are off the premises, so don’t be offended if your guests choose not to touch anything you serve.

And there are those who will not take a single thing but will readily take a piece of candy offered. They do this to “sweeten” what they consider a “bitter” event.

When the deceased enjoyed food in life, whether serving it, or consuming it, if you feel it is appropriate, then by all means, celebrate their life with the food they loved. I’ve attended hundreds of wakes where one’s favorite dish or recipe is proudly served and it was truly a delight to one’s palate. You can be sure, your loved one will not be easily forgotten because of this.

Just a little note on the common superstition that you mustn’t cook in your house where someone is lying in state. This most probably arose for quite practical reason. Human remains are not the cleanest things to have around the house as not only decomposition has started, there may be residual disease and infection in one’s body. Preparing food in such an environment is not the most hygienic situation.

And Starbucks? I’ve seen these given as gifts. Surely, the family will never forget this very thoughtful, practical, and delicious kindness from you. Sure beats a large flower arrangement that will wilt, or the thoughtful but more common stack of mass cards.

On the the other hand, I came from a wake and overheard one of the guests remark, "No Starbucks? What? No Starbucks?" Now, THAT, was tacky.

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Funeral Parlor Browsing

My grandmother is terminally ill but hasn’t passed away. Is it inappropriate for me to be canvassing for funeral parlors?

Not at all. You are just being practical. What would be inappropriate though is for your grandmother to find out that you are actually doing so. As far as she’s concerned, it’s ok for her to be in a hurry to go just as long as she is doing the actual hurrying. I don’t think she’ll appreciate you hurrying it up for her.

Now as far as being practical is concerned, the cost of living these days is catching up with the cost of dying. What could be more inappropriate than knowing how much you will be spending, is NOT knowing how much you will be spending. And that amount shouldn’t shock you to death.

It really isn’t uncommon for funeral parlors to get calls on a daily basis on near-death cases. We’ve even dealt with chapel reservations only to find out that its guest of honor is not quite deceased yet. In which case, the chapel is usually offered to the next interested party that holds a corresponding death certificate. Now once you’ve canvassed a particular parlor, stop now or move on to the next. Or this could come back haunting you later. Funeral staff are actually trained to look out for details. They will remember you.

On a number of occasions, we have experienced individuals calling for the anticipated death of their parent, asking for packages, chapel rates, down to the nitty gritty details. Many weeks pass and we don’t hear from them. A couple of months later, we get a call from the parent, now miraculously recovered, up and about, calling for reservations. It seems, his son, the original caller, has met an accident and has passed away and will be needing our services himself after all. Such is life. And death.

Posted with Blogsy